note to selff....

DONT DRINK THE NIGHT BEFORE LECTURES! ONLY BAD THINGS WILL COME YOUR WAY!

interpretations

a lot of things hold different meanings and significance, depending on the person. a collection of words, a certain physical action or an object of somesort, can all vary in importance according to the person. it also depends on how these words or an action is said or done, that can change things significantly.

word of the week: interesting

i shall be blogging tonight, just not right now. some of us have work. JHEEEZZZEEEE.

quizás estará facíl, con no problemas. estaré bien, no estaré asustada de me futuro, de mis amigos, de confiado otros.

posible, estará facíl. con no ataques de panicó, no errores nocturnos, no depresión.

tengo esperanza. es la cosa sola que tengo...

my year in numbers

1 year

2 towns

365 days

1 flat

2 campuses

5 flatmates

3 best friends

3 terms

4 coursework essays

1 birthday

8,300 pounds in debt

1 holiday

2 weeks stranded

4 passes

2 relationships

2 breakups

1 heartbreak

4 months off

2 deaths

1 mental breakdown

2 days in hospital

1 diagnosis

3 jobs

2 years to go

grace kelly, mika
do i attract you?
do i repulse you, with my queasy smile?
am i too dirty?
am i too flirty?
do i like what you like?

sometimes, you don't have a choice

someone once told me, 'happiness is a choice'. i can see why.

the little things that go wrong in the day, waking up late, missing your bus, under performing at work; they can all be rectified just by choosing to learn from the mistake and choosing to apply that knowledge. even things that are out of your control, such as a break up, you can choose to view them from an optimistic perspective.

but what if happiness isn't a choice for you. you know like those little drop down menus you get, or tick boxes. what if there isn't one for happiness? some may argue that you can make your own happiness when this happens, but what i mean is that there is no possible way for you to be able to be happy.

all too often, i people tell me 'cheer up'. all too often i hear it being said to someone else. ilet me put my rambling into context...

we both have problems in controlling our moods, how we react, how we think and our perceptions of people. for me, it resulted in me pushing a lot of people away, getting hurt and hurting others. i still do in fact, and terrified of doing again. my friend, is now unfortunately dealing with the same problem. he is becoming hostile, aggressive and hurting those closest to him.

watching someone experience identical problems to you is difficult.  especially when you can predict the same ending. they come to you for advice and support, but how on earth can you help them when you're still working it out yourself? words like 'cheer up' and 'it'll be okay' are little comfort to people who can't do anything about it themselves.

sometimes, you really don't have a choice.

conflict

fighting with your own instincts is exhausting. my gut tells me one thing, to do something that i've experienced before, but ended badly. my head argues no, the same thing will happen again.

FUCK THIS I'M MOVING TO THE SHIRE!