it's been a while...

bleeding out, imagine dragons
so i bare my skin
and i count my sins
and i close my eyes
and i take it in
i'm bleeding out
i'm bleeding out for you

i see fire, ed sheeran
calling out father,
prepare as we will
watch the flames burn auburn
on the mountain side
desolation comes upon the sky

fucking fuming.

people can just fuck right off. going to go live by myself on a desert island somewhere.

voices.

in my head, in my ear, behind my back.

a love like war, all time low ft. vic fuentes 
make a wish on our sorry little hearts
have a smoke, pour a drink, steal a kiss in the dark
fingernails on my skin like the teeth of a shark
i'm intoxicated by the lie

XO, fall out boy
put your ear to the speaker
and choose love or sympathy

check yes juliet, we the kings
just sneak out and
don't tell a soul goodbye

escape route, paramore
not quite a victory
to run from your problems
but it's the only plan i got

'i demand unconditional love and complete freedom. that is why i'm terrible' tomaz salamun

wow..

you'd think, after a drunken night out, that eventually remembering everything that happened would be a good thing. you'd remember all the funny, stupid stuff that happened.

not this time. i think i'd rather not be able to remember this one.

note to selff....

DONT DRINK THE NIGHT BEFORE LECTURES! ONLY BAD THINGS WILL COME YOUR WAY!

interpretations

a lot of things hold different meanings and significance, depending on the person. a collection of words, a certain physical action or an object of somesort, can all vary in importance according to the person. it also depends on how these words or an action is said or done, that can change things significantly.

word of the week: interesting

i shall be blogging tonight, just not right now. some of us have work. JHEEEZZZEEEE.

quizás estará facíl, con no problemas. estaré bien, no estaré asustada de me futuro, de mis amigos, de confiado otros.

posible, estará facíl. con no ataques de panicó, no errores nocturnos, no depresión.

tengo esperanza. es la cosa sola que tengo...

my year in numbers

1 year

2 towns

365 days

1 flat

2 campuses

5 flatmates

3 best friends

3 terms

4 coursework essays

1 birthday

8,300 pounds in debt

1 holiday

2 weeks stranded

4 passes

2 relationships

2 breakups

1 heartbreak

4 months off

2 deaths

1 mental breakdown

2 days in hospital

1 diagnosis

3 jobs

2 years to go

grace kelly, mika
do i attract you?
do i repulse you, with my queasy smile?
am i too dirty?
am i too flirty?
do i like what you like?

sometimes, you don't have a choice

someone once told me, 'happiness is a choice'. i can see why.

the little things that go wrong in the day, waking up late, missing your bus, under performing at work; they can all be rectified just by choosing to learn from the mistake and choosing to apply that knowledge. even things that are out of your control, such as a break up, you can choose to view them from an optimistic perspective.

but what if happiness isn't a choice for you. you know like those little drop down menus you get, or tick boxes. what if there isn't one for happiness? some may argue that you can make your own happiness when this happens, but what i mean is that there is no possible way for you to be able to be happy.

all too often, i people tell me 'cheer up'. all too often i hear it being said to someone else. ilet me put my rambling into context...

we both have problems in controlling our moods, how we react, how we think and our perceptions of people. for me, it resulted in me pushing a lot of people away, getting hurt and hurting others. i still do in fact, and terrified of doing again. my friend, is now unfortunately dealing with the same problem. he is becoming hostile, aggressive and hurting those closest to him.

watching someone experience identical problems to you is difficult.  especially when you can predict the same ending. they come to you for advice and support, but how on earth can you help them when you're still working it out yourself? words like 'cheer up' and 'it'll be okay' are little comfort to people who can't do anything about it themselves.

sometimes, you really don't have a choice.

conflict

fighting with your own instincts is exhausting. my gut tells me one thing, to do something that i've experienced before, but ended badly. my head argues no, the same thing will happen again.

FUCK THIS I'M MOVING TO THE SHIRE!

"never underestimate a girl's love for her favorite band. never think even for a minute, that she won't defend them to her death. because it's not just the music that makes that band her favorite. it's the guys, the gals. it's the fans. people whom of which she has interacted with thanks to the band. that band might of saved her life, or just made her smile everyday. that band has never broke her heart and has yet to leave her. no wonder she finds such joy in her music." alex gaskarth, lead vocals and guitar for all time low

jasey rae, all time low
i've never lit a match
with intent to start a fire

this is gospel, panic at the disco
cause these words are nice
but they often leave scars

seesaw.

you're up. you're on the top of the world, nothing is above you except the beautiful blue sky. when you're this high, the sun can shine down on you endlessly, you can feel light and the warmth. up here, everything else it tiny and insignificant. none of it matters because you're so much more important than all of it, these small things can't bring you down no matter how hard you try. the breeze is in your hair, caressing your face and around your body, a comforting invisible harness. everything is bright and technicolour, you've never been able to see so clearly. your life is below you, letting you see all the endless possibilities, plans and changes you can make. your mind rushes and dashes, one idea to the next, concocting your next brilliant scheme to save the world.

the seesaw tilts.

you're down. crashing down to earth with a thud, you're now at the bottom. on the floor, everything and everyone is above you, looking down on you. you're small now, the whole wide distorted world towering above you, witnessing everything you say and do. it's intimidating, the world is too big. you see now that everything you are and everything you want to do doesn't matter, it's insignificant. it's all way too much to handle, something out of your reach and your capabilities. you're at the bottom, and there's nothing you can do about it.

i don't know what to do.

i'm watching my own life replaying, but it's happening to someone else. in my version, i fucked up big time. i don't know how to help them when i can barely help myself.

i take back what i said before. i need my superhero, i need my doctor who.

whoop.

less than a month til moving day. less than a month til freshers. less than a month til party time!

IT'S GONNA GET MESSY ;)

shit..

social faux pas seem to be a speciality of mine nowadays

where there's a negative...

...there's always a plus. week number god knows how long, and i've finally lost my first stone.

what the hell.

sometimes, things happen in life that force you to re-evaluate everything you know, do and say. this can be something like an injury, a break up, money troubles etc. or, as in my case, it can come in the form of bad news.

what i found out today has completely altered the way i view everything, including myself. it's also probably going to change the way i'm viewed.

to society, i'm now just another label. to my friends, i may now still be the same girl, or a freak. to me, i'm a diagnosis, something a psychology or medical student has to define in their weekly test in class.

do i let this define me? or do i let it become part of me?

i hate you diet.

ugh..

..this is getting difficult. way too difficult. i think i'm way in over my head here. but what can i do?

the vacation song, shane dawson
feels like paradise
when i think about being alone

just keep breathing, we the kings
when you watch the world just turn away
and break the promises it made
when love is all too hard to hold
just take a breath and let it go

fuck...

...didn't expect that.

movie review; the wolverine

for something a little different on this blog, i've decided to do a movie review. last night, i went to the cinema with a lovely friend of mine to see 'the wolverine', in 3D. after i'd gotten over the heart attack of the price of the ticket, we settled down to watch.

here's the movie poster, a treat for the eyes i can assure you...

for a little background; as far as marvel films go, i'm a huge fan. iron man, the avengers, thor, i'm a complete sucker for any of those movies. and no, not just for the beautiful men, but because they're often directed brilliantly. plus, the sequels are rarely shit, which can be said for a lot of other movie franchises. so, with this in mind, i was excited  and had high hopes for the next instalment of the x-men movies; the wolverine. aside from my worrying love for hugh jackman, i've always enjoyed the x-men anyway.

so, the movie. aesthetically, it's a visually attractive movie. again, not just because of hugh jackman, but the effects and settings are impressive. 'the wolverine' is based in japan, so we are treated to various japanese scenery and architecture, which i think is nice. the visual effects were good, both enhancing and adding to the story. it also has a lot of dark and moody colour schemes, again adding to the darker storyline and conflict within our main character, logan. yes, i saw this movie in 3D. i don't think it's essential to see it in 3D, but some of the scenery and the fight scenes, i feel, were particularly impressive with this added effect.

the plot. we begin in nagasaki, japan, during the war where we see logan rescue a soldier , yashida, from the effects of nuclear bomb, saving his life. without going into too much detail, this event provides a scaffold for the rest of the movie, in which logan is invited to meet with yashida, who is on his deathbed. again, without giving a lot away, this meeting leads to logan being pushed to his emotional and physical limits. he is forced to not only face his immortality, but also to deal with vulnerability for the first time; both emotionally and physically. we see an inner turmoil within him; not only with his current situation, but also his guilt concerning the earlier death of jean grey. i won't give the ending away either; all i can say is that in this movie, we see another side to wolverine and also witness a change in him, which i hope is continued in the next movie.

the acting. what can i say about hugh jackman? quite a lot, most of it unsuitable for public. however, again, he was brilliant in this movie. in true form, his performance was flawless, especially having to deal with the change in his character. the pure and raw emotion given in this movie is something i would expect from jackman; i was not disappointed. i can't really flaw any of the other actors as well, they all provided an excellent supporting cast and were easily believable. my particular favourite was rila fukushima, who plays yukio. along with a kick-ass wardrobe and amazingly red hair; her character was tough, complex but easily likeable. and, going on the ending of the movie, may appear in later pictures as well.

overall, i highly recommend this movie, particularly if you're an x-men, marvel or hugh jackman fan. despite a slightly slow beginning, i'm finding it difficult to criticise this movie in any way. go and see it, you won't be disappointed. especially considering hugh jackman is shirtless for most of the film, just saying ;)

and as always with a marvel film, sit through the credits, trust me.

monkey see, monkey do

in response to jess' and ben's blogs (you'll see them in my followers) about who i am and my relationships.

jess discussed about everyone having their own 'doctor'; someone to protect them, trust, laugh with etc. for me? i don't believe this. i've had relationships, both intimate and not, where i have viewed a person in this way. someone to trust, someone who will protect me and care for me. but in the end, they either leave or change. then suddenly, you don't have your 'doctor' anymore. all your trust, love, care and friendship that went into that person is completely nullified.

so, i am my own 'doctor'. i care for myself, i rely on myself and keep my problems to myself. i am the only one who cares about them and the only one who can fix them. trusting and relying on others gets you nowhere in life; especially if you chose the wrong person. doing things like this for yourself avoids hurt and confusion and saves times and effort.

and as for who i am? i'm a lot of things; good and bad. but each of those things, i'm proud of. i'm loyal, friendly and loving. but on the contrary, i'm volatile, destructive and difficult. can i change it? no. am i going to change it? doubt it. should i change it? i have no reason to. i am who i am, and that's that.

week four

bit late with this one, but two more pounds off!

around half a stone gone, i think?

30 facts.

i'm slowly running out of ideas for this thing. so, my friend amelia suggested doing a 30 facts blog, like you used to get on facebook and myspace. so, nostalgia, here i come...

1) my name is victoria alice
2) my birthday is 2nd october
3) i'm originally from essex
4) but, i live in london
5) i go to university of greenwich
6) i study criminology and criminal psychology
7) my favourite colours are black, gold, teal and coral
8) my favourite bands are fall out boy, all time low and paramore, to name a few
9) guilty pleasures include david bowie, jeremy kyle and honey boo boo
10) my future career? something to do with mental health
11) my favourite places include brighton, whitby and barcelona
12) i can play the cup song!
13) i've currently got a broken toe
14) i'm single
15) i suffer somewhat from depression and social anxiety
16) i work at sainsbury's and my uni's student bar
17) i'm learning to drive
18) my favourite films include sweeney todd, scott pilgrim, harry potter, the avengers, among many.
19) in september, i'm finally moving back to uni to live with six other girls
20) i'm fluent in spanish
21) my favourite kind of food is italian
22) i can drink most men under the table
23) some of my closest friends are amelia, qudrat, becky, chloe, haroon and a few at uni
24) i have over 3,000 songs on my itunes
25) i have five piercings, four in my ears and one in my nose
26) my favourite animal is a penguin
27) i'm fairly good at drawing and painting
28) i'm fiercely loyal
29) but also fiercely confrontational
30) and finally, i would love to move to the seaside

opinions

'you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view' obi wan kenobi, return of the jedi.

watching star wars yesterday, this quote definitely stuck with me. obi wan is right, your opinions clarify to you what is the truth. however, this 'truth', could only be right for you. it could be horribly wrong for one or many other people.

your opinion on yourself, for example, is a lot like this. i find that people, as a rule, go from one extreme to the other. you have one group who downplay themselves and think of themselves and their actions of low value. and you have the other, who paint themselves and their actions as saint like. because it's their own opinion, something they believe in, is it their 'truth'. but, a lot of people may disagree with them.

the person who has low confidence and self esteem may be viewed by someone else to be beautiful, a great friend, or anything else positive. whereas the person who brags about the things they do or feels they are much better than everyone else, may actually despised by everyone around them.

so, basically, my lesson for today is to acknowledge your own 'truth', but those of others. it could lead you into seeing your own 'truth' is actually a lie.

'diaries of a broken mind'

i highly recommend this new tv i've been watching. it's on bbc three and it's called 'diaries of a broken mind'. it's about the lives of 25 young adults who all have some form of mental illness; ranging from bipolar, depression to anxiety disorders. everything is filmed by themselves and everything is from their point of view. they show us what their illness is, how it affects their lives,and those of their loved ones, their opinions on mental illness and its treatment. 

this show has really confirmed that this is something i want to be involved in. i've made action for volunteering for SANE, a mental health charity. not only does it campaign against the stigma against mental health disorders; but also provides a range of outlets for those with mental illnesses to become aware of their condition, find out where to receive help and also peer support. they use helplines, email support and also several peer forums.

seriously, watch it. it is one of the most real and enlightening programmes i have watched. click the link below, or find it on bbc iplayer.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b0377w9h/Diaries_of_a_Broken_Mind/

how fucking dare you!?

how on earth do you think that's acceptable?! you fucking cretin; i wasted two years with you, i'm glad i ended things with us, it's taught me what a creep you are. get back under the rock you came from.

every time you go, ellie goulding
you said i'm arresting
you said i had heat
i really thought that we'd go further
the second time we'd meet
now i'm tired of trying to keep you
all i want to do is sleep

south australia, the pogues
i wish i was on australia's strand
with a bottle of whiskey in my hand

the only difference between martyrdom, panic at the disco
dear studio audience, i've an announcement to make;
it seems the artists these days are not who you think
so we'll pick back up on that on another page

mental illness.

physical illnesses, such as cancer for example, are highly publicised and are aided by many charities. events like race for life raise money and awareness about the signs, causes, treatment and cure for cancer. in many people's opinion, this is brilliant. cancer, at some point, enters everybody's lives. whether you are diagnosed with it yourself or know somebody who has, the activity surrounding this horrible disease is fantastic.

now, imagine someone suffering with cancer, is blamed for developing the disease. or, alternatively, is patronised, told to 'cheer up' or 'try harder' to get better. the simple suggestion of this is both upsetting and insulting, isn't it?

unfortunately, this is how thousands of people with mental illness, both diagnosed and undiagnosed, are treated. the mind is physical component of the body. and while no physical deformities, such as a haemorrhage or a tumour are present, it can still become diseased. while we can't define a single cause or cure for the multitude of mental illnesses, they deserve to be treated as what they are; an illness.

mental illness is not treated as it should be, both by the general public and the NHS. public stigma surrounding mental illness, in my opinion, is sickening. for example, someone with depression is just 'sad' or 'needs to cheer up' or is just generally 'negative. someone with schizophrenia is 'crazy'.  some are just labelled as 'difficult'. or, many mental illnesses are just dismissed as either eccentricities. so, as a side note, be careful before you comment on someone; on their personality or behaviours. or others are accused of 'faking it'. now, you would tell someone with MS they were faking it, would you?

public opinion also creates further stereotypes of mental illness. depression, for example, can conjure up a very inaccurate picture. if the word depression is mentioned, many people imagine a moody, difficult teenager who listens to heavy emo music, self harms and 'hates life'. but no. while teenagers and young adults are often at the onset age for depression, does not mean they are the only people who suffer with it. such stereotypes need to be abolished. i feel a way to do this is to incorporate mental health education and support from a young age, perhaps secondary school. this way, future generations are both informed, aware and active in both empathising and understanding mental illness.

the NHS, additionally, needs some sort of education and change. if someone has a heart attack or a stroke, you call an ambulance. they are rushed to hospital and given the care and medical attention they need. however, if someone suffering with bipolar suffers a manic episode, who do you call?  or someone with depression is suicidal? an ambulance cannot do anything, only if the sufferer has caused themselves or other physical harm. there is no actual immediate response service for the mentally ill. there are helplines, yes, but not every mental illness sufferer will know to or want to call them.  my mum works in a_e and constantly mentions the number of people coming in, suffering with mental illness, who are simply turned away. this is because 'medically', there is nothing wrong with them.

someone, somewhere in this world needs to wake up and smell the roses. much like an undiagnosed physical illness, too many people are isolated, scared, harmed or are killed by their mental illness. due to something as trivial as a lack of support and education, especially in a developed country such as the uk.  as someone who has experienced all of these instances and examples i've mentioned, i know there needs to be change. i've suffered stereotypes, blame and ignorance. i want to be the one to change it, not just for me, but for everyone.

shine on, the kooks
i must admit, i don't believe in it
but i can see how you get sucked in

demons, imagine dragons
when you feel my heat
look into my eyes
it's where my demons hide
it's where my demons hide
don't get too close
it's dark inside

somebody told me, the killers
ready?
let's roll onto something new
taking its toll and i'm leaving without you

girlfriend, icona pop
talking 'bout the lights, the dirt, the shit, that hurts
we're not gonna turn around
we're doing this for good, for worse
the gift, the curse, we're not gonna back down

returning to uni...

a lot of people recently have been saying how they can't wait to get back to uni, see all their friends and get back to uni life. me? i'm not so sure.

of course, it'll be nice to get back into my old routine. and also getting back to studying, learning more and hopefully get somewhat closer to knowing what i want to do with my degree.

i miss my flate mates like crazy; chloe, sam and plam. i miss seeing them everyday, our little routines and rituals, as well as just living mundane life with them. i'm also looking forward to moving into my new flat with my other flat mates; xristina, lian, marketa and lizzie. they're a brilliant group of girls, with personalities i'm yet to discover and memories we have yet to make. getting back to avery hill will be good too, i miss the place. the student village, constantly busy, as well as the surroundings like the park.

however, i'm a little apprehensive about socialising with some people on my course again. to be honest, i haven't really spoken to any of them since the year ended, on my part really. what with my break up, i pretty much dissociated myself everything to do with my ex, just because it made it much easier to manage.

it'll probably be fine after a while. but as mentioned in my earlier post, changes within myself are making me much more anxious about reintegrating. i'm feeling like it's my first day all over again. my first day at university, i pretty much sat by myself. whenever anyone said anything to me, i'd politely answer, or smile and look away. but all the while, on the inside, i felt like a deer in the headlights. i felt constantly on edge, finding it hard to catch my breath occasionally. even now, certain interactions with certain people cause me to panic.

the only difference is this year, people know me. last year, no one at university knew anything about me, i was free to create a new me. but, i opened up to a couple of people, letting them see my flaws and problems i tried to hide. now they're known, i feel somewhat vulnerable. my flat mates know some of this, but because they needed to know because i live with them, they understand and i feel comforted by them. they love me no matter what. i mean they have to, they've gotta live with me for another year!

i guess, i'll just have to try my best and see what happens. wish me luck.

that's what you get, paramore
i drowned out all my sense with
the sound of its beating

life's for the living, passenger
don't you cry for the lost
smile for the living
get what you need
and give what you're given
life's for the living so live it

dark side, kelly clarkson
there's a place i know
it's not pretty there
and few have ever gone
if i show it to you now
will it make you run away?
or will you stay even if it hurts
even if i try to push you out

sober, pink
i'm safe, up high
nothing can touch me

'you remind me of the babe'

this obsession is becoming unhealthy. king jareth, you bedazzled being...

labyrinth is easily one of my all time favourite movies. not just for the wonderment that is 80's david bowie, but the film itself. it is probably one of the last movies that purely used handmade sets and puppets, not using the now heavily realised on CGI and computer effects. the unique style of 80's mingled with organic and mystical influences creates a truly individual style for this film. the costumes, hair and makeup also impress, easily recognisable to many.

despite some minor faults in the script, i adore the storyline. a girl, sarah, somewhat naive and ungrateful, refuses to grow up and take responsibility. instead, she takes the easy way, using her love of the imaginary and fantastical to escape. running parallel, is the story of a lonely man, king jareth, ruling a land full of the strange and somewhat pointless. ruling with wit, cruelty and impulsive decisions, he is an incredibly complex character. increasingly so, with his intense infatuation with sarah, not only displays is love in unusual ways, but is also obliged to stick to his word and goblin law. he is torn between his emotions, and his oath.

'your eyes can be so cruel, just as i can be so cruel'

'you remind me of the babe. what babe? the babe with the power. what power? the power of voodoo. who do? you do. do what? remind me of the babe'

'i ask for so little. just fear me, love me, do as i say and i will be your slave'

'everything i've done, i've done for you. i move the stars for no one'

'it's only forever, not long at all'

'everything, everything that you've wanted, i've done. you asked the child to be taken, i took him. you cowered before me, i was frightening. i have reordered time. i have turned the world upside down, and i have done it all for you. i am exhausted from living up to your expectations, isn't that generous?'

'how you turn my world, you precious thing'

broken hearts.

i've decided to do a post about heartbreak; not in a depressing 'forever alone' way, but just talking about them. i guess this was kinda fuelled by me watching '500 days of summer'; the only movie where i hate zooey deschenal.

broken hearts; whether being the one possessing the broken heart or being the one causing it, is unpleasant. the heartbroken, suffers rejection, confusion amongst other equally horrible emotions. the heart breaker tends to be a bit different. depending on the person, there tends to be two reactions...

option a) the nice guy
option b) the scumbag

option a; is the kind of person who tries to make it as painless as possible. they fully explain why they are ending the relationship, in an understanding, compassionate way. they understand that the heart broken will be upset, angry, confused but complies and accomodates to what they need. they still care and love that person on some degree; they don't want to hurt them.

option b; sadly, can often seem to be the majority. they care only about themselves, and getting out of said relationship as quickly and efficiently as they can. they are the ones who aren't understanding, lashing out at the heart broken for how they react. then, often, they disappear without a trace with no explanation. this kinda person also tends to be the one to break up with someone over text, facebook etc.

similarly, with the heart broken there also tends to be two reactions...

option a) the understanding
option b) the panicker

option a; often, sees the break up coming, and understands why. they tend to be agreeable with the heart breaker, seeing their side and understanding that the relationship should end. they don't get angry, shout or react negatively. yes, they may be upset or disappointed, but within reason. they're happy to rebuild said relationship into a friendship, if possible, steadily over time.

option b; is quite the opposite. they react impulsively, becoming angry and upset, showing it to their full potential. they argue and fight back, desperate to not only understand what went wrong, but how it can be fixed. at the time, they don't see break up as an option, only the opportunity to fix the relationship. they are persistent with this; requiring answers when and where they need them. this kinda of person is also more likely to hold a grudge against the heartbreaker for some time, avoiding them when possible.

and where does my history fit into this? unusually for my generation, i don't tend or like to have short term relationships. i feel if you are interested in someone, clearly, investing time and effort into a relationship is worth it. so, my experiences of breakups have tended to be, explosive? from what i can tell, i've been the heartbreaker twice and heartbroken once; so here's my account...

my first time experiencing it was with my first long term relationship, roughly 2 years, with a guy called nico. we'd been friends for sometime before starting a relationship, so we knew each other pretty well. we had a lot of common interests, morals, friends etc. however, as a lot of relationships do over time, for me, it just fizzled out. he had started to put less effort into the relationship; yet expected continuous effort from me. only being around 16/17 at the time; i knew this was something i didn't want to be stuck in. so, i took him aside one day and explained how i felt; it was really difficult. i clearly had upset him but we parted on good terms and understanding.

my second role as 'heart breaker' was at the start of this year; again with a relationship which lasted roughly two years with a guy called mat. a similar scenario as before, we were good friends before. but this was much more complicated, as this was my ex's best friend. a douchebag move on our parts; but it happened. so, obviously, my ex found out and wanted nothing more to do with me, which i completely understand. we both moved away for education; me to greenwich for university and mat to guildford for music college. being long distance, we began to drift apart. visiting each other became awkward and it was difficult to fit into each other's lives. additionally, i had begun to develop feelings for a guy at uni. i felt terrible for feeling this way, and took it as a sign that i truly needed to get away from my current relationship. so, again, i took him aside one night and explained my feelings. he was much more upset, begging to try again and not really listening to my reasoning why. we also split on good terms, agreeing to give each other space and eventually rebuild our initial friendship.

now, comes my first experience as the 'heart broken'. a much shorter relationship, only 4 months, with a guy at my university called ben. this was the guy i had begun to have feelings for as i mentioned earlier. we were incredibly close friends from the start of uni; again sharing many common interests, humour etc. he also learned a lot about my mental health problems; but understanding me, helping me and not making me feel like i was broken, as my exes had often done. we began our relationship, with many people already knowing it was going to happen. and for the most part, it was brilliant. we spent a lot of time together or talking when we weren't. unfortunately, at this time, my mental health had begun to take a turn for the worse. my problems sleeping were increasing and decreasing irrationally, making me aggressive and irritable. and, unbeknown to me at the time, was also developing signs of depression. understandably, my moods and personality were very up and down; causing me to be happy and sweet one minute, to argumentative and difficult next. this caused us to start arguing more often than not. ben, also understandably, became tired of this and decided to call time on this relationship.

unfortunately, based on our earlier relationship, i had fallen completely head over heels in love with him. i trusted him and felt he understood me, but loved me regardless. but my personality changes had made him feel differently. i reacted like 'option b'. as i can't help or control my emotions or personality well, i became desperately angry, upset and confused. i couldn't understand how i had changed his feelings; he knew of my problems before and i felt he had loved me enough to understand them. but, unfortunately yet somewhat understandably, he'd had enough.

and with that, he'd gone. i spent some weeks in a cycle of pure anger and hatred, to complete desperation and apologies to goodness knows what. despite my heart break, which is still somewhat present in ways, it opened my eyes to several things. one is that i needed help. yes, i couldn't control my mind, but i could help myself by talking to someone. the second is that, if i'm in a relationship, i need someone who loves me enough and is ready to undertake someone like me.

heart break is present in everyone's life. it's just one of those things. either let it beat you, or take advantage of it. i'm going to quote jay gatsby, from the novel 'the great gatsby'. he says...

'when you develop an infatuation for someone, you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you'

while this can often be true for many heart broken; it isn't always right. heart break hurts, but it's often necessary, although not always deserved. on both sides, try and use your best judgement. and most importantly, treat each other how you'd like to be treated.

my my...

you don't wear hypocrisy well, do you?

finally plucked up the courage today and got my nose pierced! obviously, it fucking hurt. but it's self inflicted so i can't complain really. i flipping love it though :)

fascination, alphabeat
we love this exaltation
we want these new temptations
it's like a revelation
we live on fascination

curse of curves, cute is what we aim for
we all have teeth that can bite underneath
to where reality grows
yeah, that's where mine go

gives you hell, all american rejects
you can take back your memories
they're no good to me

save rock and roll, fall out boy ft. elton john
you are what you love
not who loves you
in a world full of the word yes
i'm here to scream no, no
wherever i go, go
trouble seems to follow

week three

two and a half pounds more off :)

three stone and 13 pounds to go

hm, is this a sign?

for the past few days, i've been considering  making some major changes. i'm not sure why, i need a change of scenery maybe?

should i stay in uni? should i move away? should i change career paths?

i'll let you know when i figure it out.

bad enough for you, all time low
no, i won't call you baby
i won't buy you daisies
'cause that don't work
and i know, how to get you crazy
how to make you want me
so bad it hurts

the island, box of light
we left the city to find a place
where we could go and spend our days

icky thump, white stripes
yeah i hear the icky thump, who'd of thunk?
sitting drunk on a wagon to mexico

voodoo child, rogue traders
why don't you tell me my future?
why don't i sell you my soul?
so here it comes, the sound of drums
here come the drums, here come the drums

stormborn

slowly slowly

week two
two more pounds off

slowly but surely.

well..

playing slender wasn't such a good idea now, was it?

kdndslvnolfdnvkm

ENERGY LEVELS OVER 9000!

easily one of my favourite pictures ever.

Add caption

'and your naked magic, oh dear lord'
the stuff of quivering ovaries and widening pupils of females all over the world.

natter natter natter.

tonight is one of those nights where i am plagued by a continuous cycle of insomnia, broken sleep and night terrors. and i start work at three in the morning, gee whizz...

well, as the title suggests, if i can't sleep, i may as well write/talk to you. yes you, you person staring at your computer screen. hello there..

what shall i talk about?...

i've just written a rather lengthy post about how my approach and opinion on people and relationships of all sorts. it felt like a lot of venting and cynicism on my part. but oh well, i enjoyed writing it, hopefully you enjoyed reading it and took something useful away from it.

i never really plan what i write on this thing; i sort of word vomit onto the keyboard or search for a relatively depressing or amusing gif of my choice (see above cera). i treat it as my personal diary, although i know it isn't private. but hey, i'm too lazy to physically write all of this, and until we invent moving photographs, i shall continue as i am.

this weekend...

i am "over the moon", "jumping for joy", "IT'S SO FLUFFY I COULD DIE" excited for the london film and comic con this saturday. although i'm working ungodly hours that morning, i shall be as chipper as possible. again, i  have changed my costume last minute into something so needlessly complex and last minute, but trust  me; it's a good'un. i'm going with my good friend becky and her boyfriend kerry, and a friend she's bringing along too.

the next few months...

i cannot wait to move back to campus; my family are driving my crazy. don't get me wrong, it's nice to be home. but i miss my flatmates, the indepedance etc. on the lecture side of things, i'm not so looking forward to. not because of my course itself; i'm looking forward to learning more and being a much better student than last year. i'm just not overwhelmed by the idea of seeing a few faces i could do without seeing; this one guy who seemed to have cheated during exams and passed, for example.

on the whole...

I'M A SNAKE.

6 simple steps..

i've had a lot of time to think lately about how i relate to people, make friends, make friends etc. in this, i've narrowed down three good ways and three bad ways of doing so, which also protect you from getting hurt. i admit, this is somewhat, cynical.

firstly, the bad..

1) NEVER tell anyone everything about yourself; trusting someone with intimate information like that can only lead you to getting hurt, it makes you vulnerable. the other person has one up on you, material to put against you, whether you deserve it or not.

2) DO NOT allow yourself to become too attached; yes, it's nice to have someone there for you whenever you need them. but when they're not there, out of their own choice or other circumstance, it's you that's left lost. become self-dependant, not just in the literal sense, but emotionally. love often comes very slowly, but disappears in an instant; something you don't need. the only person you can trust is yourself.

3) STAY AWAY from people you feel negative around. whether it is through something they've done, or something of your own hand; someone who makes you feel bad about yourself is unhealthy for you.  or, your opinion of them has changed, or they have changed themselves. only you know how you feel, act, think etc. don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

and, the good..

1) SURROUND yourself with good people. anyone who has similar interests, attitudes etc can always find common ground with you. if you enjoy the time spent with someone, there is perfect reason to spend more time with them. hopefully, you make them feel the same.

2) PRIORITISE; put yourself first. in the end, you only have yourself to depend on. other people can hurt you, but only you have the power to ignore their words; or lack of. you can only trust yourself  to make yourself happy.

3) WORK hard. throw yourself into work, studying, hobbies; whatever you enjoy. not only are you gaining independence and further skills, but you also open yourself up to greater opportunities; both professionally and personally. working hard can get you anywhere you want to.

gah!

changing my cosplay AGAIN.

this time, i'm going all out..

no, i'm not having any of that shit anymore.

resolutions.

i'm making some mid-year resolutions, i'm a smidge late for the new year ones.

1) lose weight (in progress)
2) say yes to everything (within reason)
3) take pictures of everything and everyone
4) do NOT allow others to make me feel shit about myself

how long i'll stick to these, i don't know. but i'm gonna try :)

bye bye chunky monkey

week one:
so far so good, four pounds down.
only four stone and four pounds to go.

forgiving really doesn't come easy.

i'm in one of those moods..

i want to bake a cake, or some cookies. then, get armfuls of pillows and blankets and throw them into the middle of the living room floor. i want to bundle it all together and make a nest, snuggling down with a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/group of friends/anyone. then, i want to watch all our favourite movies. the ones that make us laugh, cry, think and go 'wow'. i want to lay there safe, warm and comforted, without a care in the world. i want to look at whoever is with me and know that any shit between us and in the world, really doesn't matter.

red, taylor swift
losing him was blue like i'd never known
missing him was dark grey all alone
forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met
but loving him was red

radioactive, imagine dragons
i'm waking up
i feel it in my bones
enough to make my system blow

i want sex, hot chocolate and any of the iron man movies.

not much to ask for, right?

stay with me, you me at six
oh, how do i know if i should stay or just go?
the bottom line is this way i'll never know

all this and heaven too, florence + the machine
no, words are a language
it doesn't deserve such treatment
and all my stumbling phrases
never amounted to anything worth this feeling
all this heaven never could describe
such a feeling as i'm healing
words were never so useful
so i was screaming out a language
that i never knew existed before

here goes..

a precious machine of diamonds and blood
somewhat animate and somewhat fickle
a locker singing a lullaby of rhythmic thud
pounding reminiscent of hammer and sickle

i want to start writing again.

"there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you" - maya angelou

did i really just cry at 'the amazing spiderman'?...

hello.

i don't know who reads my blog. it may or may not be people i know. but i was thinking, a blog is supposed to be about the person writing it. i've shared my emotions here. but no actual information on myself. so, dear reader, if you don't know me, sit back and relax...

my full name is victoria alice fothergill and i'm 19 years old. i'm essex born and bred, but most of the time, i live in london. i'm currently a full time student, studying bsc criminology and criminal psychology. i also have a part time job at the su bar and at sainsburys. glamorous, i know.

i like a lot of things. music wise, i like all types of music, but mainly rock and alternative. in terms of film and tv, i love superhero movies, musicals, comedy and psychological thrillers. i love stuff like iron man, the avengers, hairspray, scott pilgrim, juno, les mis, to name a few. however, i'm not guilty to admit that i do love the odd disney movie or two. but my one guilty pleasure movie is labyrinth, yes, the one with david bowie...

as for my hobbies, i enjoy being creative. i don't do it often, but i love painting and drawing. i used to be amazing, don't mean to blow my own horn, but life got in the way and i kinda lost my passion for it. i hope to rediscover it soon. i also love reading. reading isn't a hobby, it's a skill, i know. but i indulge myself in books, get lost in their worlds. my favourites vary greatly, ranging from biographies about myra hindley or the wests, to fantasy such as the hobbit, to classic literature such as anna karenina, frankenstein, or the works of shakespeare.

my personality has been described, somewhat changeably, depending on who you ask. to many, i'm a good friend, a good listener, confident, headstrong, intellectual, hard working. to others i'm stubborn, aggressive, persistent. you can make your own judge of who i am by reading my blog. to me, who i am is the person that got my to where i am today, and i'm not changing that for anyone. if you can't handle me, your loss. if you can, then great, buckle yourself in for a bumpy ride ;)

just one yesterday, fall out boy ft. foxes
i want to teach you a lesson
in the worst kind of way

back in black, AC/DC
so look at me now
i'm just making my play
don't try to push your luck
just get out of my way

do people just not care about others anymore? or are my expectations of them too high?

change your life, little mix
change, change your life
take it all

firework, katy perry
there's a spark in you
you just gotta ignite the light
and let it shine
just own the night
like the 4th of july

wow!

i've been complaining for months, ever since i quite london bridge, that i haven't been able to get a job. i've got interviews, but never got further than that. i even contemplated going back there for the summer; not only having to swallow my pride, but would also have to face my ex. i didn't want that at all.

however, thank fuck, i've now got two jobs! one for the summer, hopefully to continue during the holidays, and one at uni. it's all worked out perfectly for me there, i couldn't ask for more :)

and on top of that, i passed my first year of university with a 2:1. i barely expected to get a 2:2, and turns out i'm a lot better at forensics and law than i thought.

i'm off out tomorrow with my friend becky to celebrate, not sure where yet, but i'm really looking for it. she's really pulled through for me these past weeks. she's put up with my tears, my complaining, my bitching, all the predicable stages. but she's continued to see me for myself, and been patient with me. plus, she's letting me come along to the london film and comic con with her, her friend and her boyfriend. i was really upset at the concept of not going. she knows i have a  blog,but i don't know if she reads it. becky, if you are, thank you, you've been brilliant :)

i've needed this boost, really. i've lost a big part of my life recently, and without a job as well, i've felt somewhat lost. but now, with two jobs waiting for me, driving lessons, birthday parties, a family break and my friends behind me, i'm regaining some sort of normality.

PARTY TIME!

stronger, kelly clarkson
didn't think i'd come back
i'd come back swinging

tiffany blews, fall out boy
a caterpillar that got stuck
mr. moth come quick with any luck
a long walk to a dark house
a roman candle heart keep us far apart
i got your body doing alright
hate me baby i'm a piece of art

shake it off, florence and the machine
it's hard to dance with the devil on your back
so shake him off, oh woah

busy day..

tied up a lot of loose ends today, including my costume for the london film and comic con. i originally planned to go as amy pond, but had a sudden change of heart. i'm won't say for now, except for one clue; she's one of spiderman's leading ladies. mary jane or gwen stacy?...

let her go, passenger
you only need the light when it's burning low
only miss the sun when it starts to snow
only know you love her when you let her go

wishes, superchick
you broke my heart
i'm taking it back from you
and taking back the life i gave to you
life goes on before and after you
i've got some growing up to do

oh jackman, the terrible terrible things i'd do to you..

dear darlin', olly murs
it was short, it was sweet
we tried

turn it off, paramore
i wanna know what it'd be like
to find perfection in my pride
to see nothing in the light
and turn it off in all my spite
i'll turn it off

bang the doldrums, fall out boy
best friends
ex friends til the end
better off as lovers
and not the other way around

that's a question.

i've been filling out a lot of job applications lately, just for summer work. i already have a job with my university, but i want something during the summer to keep me busy.

however, i was happily filling out applications, talking about my qualifications, hobbies, experience, references and so on. they're all good, i'm a good employee overall. but, one question asked me to describe myself. and i really struggled with it. sure, i have a rough idea of what i'm like. but how do i come off to others?

to me i'm confident, strong willed, decisive, realistic, creative, opinionated, persistant, headstrong. i also need to feel i know what is happening and when, i cannot just go through life with things unplanned. i feel these qualities make me a person which will stand up for themselves and for others, and not back down when threatened or when facing a challenge. i enjoy debating, and am not afraid to argue on something i truly believe is right. if i have a gut feeling on something, i will fight for it.

but recently, from interviewers, family, romantic interests, i've been told these are not good. i've been told i'm dominating, overbearing, stubborn, aggressive, impulsive. i've been told it's impossible to argue with me, or to avoid an argument with me. i've been told i can't let things go.

 is my personality destructive, or constructive? do i scare people away, or show them that i'm not a pushover? so, my question is, should i change? but will it be for myself, or for others?

c'mon life.

fucking bring it!

one more night, maroon 5
you and i go hard at each other
like we going to war
you and i go rough we keep throwing things
and slamming the door
you and i get so damn dysfunctional
we stopped keeping score
you and i get sick
yeah i know we can't do this no more

walk away, kelly clarkson
so before you point your finger
get your hands off of my trigger

the take over the break's over, fall out boy
baby, season's change but people don't
but i'll always be waiting in the back room
i'm boring but overcompensate
with headlines and flash flash flash photography

hm.

should i start a vlog?

me and my decisions.

recently, i've had to make a lot of decisions in my life. some to do with my career, my family, my friends, my love life, my education; basically, i've had to change a lot.

i've never been good with decisions, both in actually making them and how i do it. if i'm asked what i want to do, my usual response will be 'i don't mind' or 'whatever you want'. or, on the other hand, sometimes i make decisions so rashly, that they either end brilliantly or catastrophically. that said, that concept seems to apply to my personality as a whole. i'm one extreme or the other, there's no middle ground with me.

for example; university. i originally applied to universities, quite far from home, to study midwifery. i got interviews with all of my choices, including york, brighton and edinburgh, some of my favourite places in england. however, i panicked each time and my anxiety kicked in, something i struggle with, and as a result, fucked up all the interviews. i had no university place, no job, and therefore felt there was no direction in my life. so, as a snap decision, i applied to the university of greenwich to study criminology and criminal psychology. i'd never been to greenwich, nor looked into this subject as an area of study or as a career. but i did it anyway. and recently, just finished my first year there.

some people have asked me, 'why didn't you wait and reapply?' or 'do you actually want to study that?'. and honestly, i don't know. yeah, i like it there and yeah, the subject is interesting. i'm good at it. but when i'm asked what i want to do with my degree, i cannot give them an answer. because i don't know myself.

another good example would be my personality. i am a brilliant friend, i listen, i care with all i have, i'm good fun. in a relationship, i give it my all, i reveal a lot about myself. that includes sexually, i reveal my likes and dislikes, am open to experimenting, i trust who i'm with. but not lightly, the people that get my all, are rare to come by.

basically, i don't half arse anything. i either give somebody everything, or nothing at all. and strangely, i expect others to do that too. if i have an issue with someone, i don't just leave it, i feel it needs to be discussed until both parties feel satisfied. and that doesn't always gel with some people.

but i find myself questioning this. do i choose to do that? or is it something i naturally do? recently, that part of my personality was deemed responsible for pushing someone away. for constantly asking and pushing for answers. on my part, i don't apologise for that. it's who i am. i realised, it is natural, something i cannot control or change, even if i wanted to.

my snap decisions have gotten me to a lot of places; good and bad. and sometimes, i feel i regret them. but recently, i realised that this is me. i cannot and do not regret who i have been, who i am and who i will become.

i have trouble believing what people say nowadays.

catherine parr court, flat 22

well, that's it. i've finished my first year at university. i'm back home, with an amazing amount of stuff, both useful and shit.

all i can say was it was a turbulent year, right up to the very last day of exams. i've lost friendships along the way, most with people back home. which is sad, but i have made an abundant amount of new friends, with plenty more coming my way. some of these people i only met in the past few days, but i can tell that we have a lot in store!

in other news, i started my new job at the SU bar last night. it's just bar tending, but something i've never done before. and despite the business, messiness and sore feet, i really enjoyed it. it's nice to work somewhere where you already know everybody, both the other workers and the customers. plus, everybody is in a brilliant mood, whether they're pissed or not. i'm sure during freshers, when it'll be so so soooo busy, i'll want to give it in. but, i'm determined to stick this one out, i have no reason not to.

i have to admit, i did get a little tearful leaving my flatmates today. seeing our home, completely stripped bare of everything that made it 'us', was quite sobering. i'll miss them horribly over the summer, but i'm so excited to move into our new flat in september. i did get a bit upset seeing my room empty too. i've had so much happen to me in that place, good and bad. if those walls could talk, haha...

basically, this next year at uni is a fresh slate. new friends, new job, i'm newly single. i don't know how long the novelty will hang around for. but, considering what has been happening lately and how i've been feeling, i need these feelings of change, happiness and hopefulness. no one else is going to give them to me anymore, so, i'm going to go and get them myself. and so far, i've made a good start :)

confusion.

i still don't know whether to slap you or kiss you.

you brilliant, horrible, perfect, heart-breaking, funny, inexplicable, sweet, thoughtless, quirky, inconversable, clever, hurtful, inventive goodness knows what.

when life hands you lemons, throw them at someone. who the fuck needs lemons?

six degrees of separation, the script
first, you think the worst is a broken heart
what's gonna kill you is the second part
and the third, is when your world splits down the middle
and fourth, you're gonna think that you've fixed yourself
fifth, you see them out with someone else
and the sixth, is when when you admit you may have fucked  up a little

who knew, pink
i wish i could touch you again
i wish i could still call you friend
i'd give anything

hi, to whoever or whatever is reading this. be prepared for a bit of a ramble, some self pity and general complaining. at the moment, this is the only place i can talk freely without getting upset.

wow. i really didn't expect to feel this way. i just feel, sad?

i've had a couple of real rough day, and tonight, idk, everything just kinda hit me. i got a bit upset and i just felt the overwhelming need to get up and go have a cuddle with my dog, dee. and, stupidly, i looked over to where her bed used to be, and she wasn't there. idk why or how i forgot. i didn't realise how much i miss her. a lot of people will argue 'it's just an animal'. but no, to have the warmth and unconditional love from something, without the being able to question you or ask things you don't want to talk about, is something i can't replace.

as you can tell, i'm going through a really hard break up right now. to end it, was something that was definitely not an option for me. i really didn't expect it. for the past two weeks, i could tell something was going on. i knew that the relationship was stressful, brought on by myself, my ex and outside influences. i just didn't realise how serious it was. but yes, at first i was upset, angry, confused. i still am to some degree. tbh, i'm angry at myself for how i reacted. i always am, because that's what caused this. but tonight, i just don't really feel anything.

my family, close friends and my flat mates have all been supportive. but nothing they say or do, can really make it okay right now. if anything, i've started pushing them away, which isn't healthy. any advice, or anything they do, just feels a bit pointless. because it isn't what i want. of course, everyone has gone through break up. but right now, i just don't feel like anyone can understand.

yeah, i've had break ups before. to be fair, this is the first time that it hasn't been my choice. and it isn't nice. to know you've been in a relationship, where your other half has been feeling upset, stressed, unsatisfied or has just fallen out of love, hurts. it hurts to know that i couldn't make it okay anymore. and that, where my relationship was concerned, i had no say or control anymore. to have someone make that decision for you is, disorientating.

i'm constantly being asked

'how are you holding up?', 'how are you feeling?', 'are you okay?'

i've barely slept or eaten in three days. my reply?

a night in,

with 'the lads'; skywalker, solo, pilgrim, stark, odinson, jones, valjean, pontmercy, snow, holmes, watson, who, banner.

i want my best friend back. i don't care if it hurts. i want things back to how they were before all this happened.

*ding ding*

round 3, me versus night time. will insomnia hit once again?

so far, insomnia 2, me 0

when..

..someone breaks up with you, you go to your best friend. they come over at a moments notice, to hug you, tell you everything's gonna be okay, to say that things might change for the better. or even just to let you cry to them. but how can you do that when they're the same person?

miss missing you, fall out boy
sometimes before it gets better
the darkness gets bigger
the one you'd take a bullet for,
is the one behind the trigger

move along, all american rejects
hands are shaking cold
these hands are meant to hold

you make it real for me, james morrison 
my head is strong, but my heart is weak
i'm full of arrogance and uncertainty
when i can't find the words
you teach my heart to speak

have you ever..

had someone say something to you that genuinely leaves you speechless? like actually knocks the breath from your lungs? i experienced that today, a feeling that i've not really had before. i don't like it, and it's not happening again.

absolutely flipping fuming. so bloody angry. GAHHHH!

still into you, paramore
i should be over all the butterflies
but i'm into you
baby, even on our worst nights
i'm into you

young volcanoes, fall out boy
americana, exotica
do you wanna feel a little beautiful, baby?

explosions, ellie goulding
needing somebody and you've learned
it's okay to be afraid

i can't even begin to explain.

i feel as if a huge weight as been lifted off my shoulders. that the little grey cloud above my head is now starting to fade, letting the sun shine through.

the past few days have been a wake up call. not only to stop and think about myself and my well being, but of those closest to me. and how i've treated them.

hopefully, this is the first step in becoming myself again. no looking back :)

idk.

someone: 'what's up what's happened?'
me: 'nothing. apart from that i have no job, no money, moving back home soon, exams next week, non existent social life, home's a bit shit. that's all'

it's one of those 'nothing's wrong, but feel sorry for myself' days'.

god, i feel shit.

sometimes,

i forget what to truly appreciate in life. i focus on the tiny imperfections, obsessively, so much so that it eventually spoils everything. if one tiny little thing isn't right, i obsess and worry and work on changing it, when sometimes, it doesn't really need changing at all.

i need to oversee the little things and enjoy my life and the people in it for what they are :)