no, i'm not having any of that shit anymore.

resolutions.

i'm making some mid-year resolutions, i'm a smidge late for the new year ones.

1) lose weight (in progress)
2) say yes to everything (within reason)
3) take pictures of everything and everyone
4) do NOT allow others to make me feel shit about myself

how long i'll stick to these, i don't know. but i'm gonna try :)

bye bye chunky monkey

week one:
so far so good, four pounds down.
only four stone and four pounds to go.

forgiving really doesn't come easy.

i'm in one of those moods..

i want to bake a cake, or some cookies. then, get armfuls of pillows and blankets and throw them into the middle of the living room floor. i want to bundle it all together and make a nest, snuggling down with a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/group of friends/anyone. then, i want to watch all our favourite movies. the ones that make us laugh, cry, think and go 'wow'. i want to lay there safe, warm and comforted, without a care in the world. i want to look at whoever is with me and know that any shit between us and in the world, really doesn't matter.

red, taylor swift
losing him was blue like i'd never known
missing him was dark grey all alone
forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met
but loving him was red

radioactive, imagine dragons
i'm waking up
i feel it in my bones
enough to make my system blow

i want sex, hot chocolate and any of the iron man movies.

not much to ask for, right?

stay with me, you me at six
oh, how do i know if i should stay or just go?
the bottom line is this way i'll never know

all this and heaven too, florence + the machine
no, words are a language
it doesn't deserve such treatment
and all my stumbling phrases
never amounted to anything worth this feeling
all this heaven never could describe
such a feeling as i'm healing
words were never so useful
so i was screaming out a language
that i never knew existed before

here goes..

a precious machine of diamonds and blood
somewhat animate and somewhat fickle
a locker singing a lullaby of rhythmic thud
pounding reminiscent of hammer and sickle

i want to start writing again.

"there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you" - maya angelou

did i really just cry at 'the amazing spiderman'?...

hello.

i don't know who reads my blog. it may or may not be people i know. but i was thinking, a blog is supposed to be about the person writing it. i've shared my emotions here. but no actual information on myself. so, dear reader, if you don't know me, sit back and relax...

my full name is victoria alice fothergill and i'm 19 years old. i'm essex born and bred, but most of the time, i live in london. i'm currently a full time student, studying bsc criminology and criminal psychology. i also have a part time job at the su bar and at sainsburys. glamorous, i know.

i like a lot of things. music wise, i like all types of music, but mainly rock and alternative. in terms of film and tv, i love superhero movies, musicals, comedy and psychological thrillers. i love stuff like iron man, the avengers, hairspray, scott pilgrim, juno, les mis, to name a few. however, i'm not guilty to admit that i do love the odd disney movie or two. but my one guilty pleasure movie is labyrinth, yes, the one with david bowie...

as for my hobbies, i enjoy being creative. i don't do it often, but i love painting and drawing. i used to be amazing, don't mean to blow my own horn, but life got in the way and i kinda lost my passion for it. i hope to rediscover it soon. i also love reading. reading isn't a hobby, it's a skill, i know. but i indulge myself in books, get lost in their worlds. my favourites vary greatly, ranging from biographies about myra hindley or the wests, to fantasy such as the hobbit, to classic literature such as anna karenina, frankenstein, or the works of shakespeare.

my personality has been described, somewhat changeably, depending on who you ask. to many, i'm a good friend, a good listener, confident, headstrong, intellectual, hard working. to others i'm stubborn, aggressive, persistent. you can make your own judge of who i am by reading my blog. to me, who i am is the person that got my to where i am today, and i'm not changing that for anyone. if you can't handle me, your loss. if you can, then great, buckle yourself in for a bumpy ride ;)

just one yesterday, fall out boy ft. foxes
i want to teach you a lesson
in the worst kind of way

back in black, AC/DC
so look at me now
i'm just making my play
don't try to push your luck
just get out of my way

do people just not care about others anymore? or are my expectations of them too high?

change your life, little mix
change, change your life
take it all

firework, katy perry
there's a spark in you
you just gotta ignite the light
and let it shine
just own the night
like the 4th of july

wow!

i've been complaining for months, ever since i quite london bridge, that i haven't been able to get a job. i've got interviews, but never got further than that. i even contemplated going back there for the summer; not only having to swallow my pride, but would also have to face my ex. i didn't want that at all.

however, thank fuck, i've now got two jobs! one for the summer, hopefully to continue during the holidays, and one at uni. it's all worked out perfectly for me there, i couldn't ask for more :)

and on top of that, i passed my first year of university with a 2:1. i barely expected to get a 2:2, and turns out i'm a lot better at forensics and law than i thought.

i'm off out tomorrow with my friend becky to celebrate, not sure where yet, but i'm really looking for it. she's really pulled through for me these past weeks. she's put up with my tears, my complaining, my bitching, all the predicable stages. but she's continued to see me for myself, and been patient with me. plus, she's letting me come along to the london film and comic con with her, her friend and her boyfriend. i was really upset at the concept of not going. she knows i have a  blog,but i don't know if she reads it. becky, if you are, thank you, you've been brilliant :)

i've needed this boost, really. i've lost a big part of my life recently, and without a job as well, i've felt somewhat lost. but now, with two jobs waiting for me, driving lessons, birthday parties, a family break and my friends behind me, i'm regaining some sort of normality.

PARTY TIME!

stronger, kelly clarkson
didn't think i'd come back
i'd come back swinging

tiffany blews, fall out boy
a caterpillar that got stuck
mr. moth come quick with any luck
a long walk to a dark house
a roman candle heart keep us far apart
i got your body doing alright
hate me baby i'm a piece of art

shake it off, florence and the machine
it's hard to dance with the devil on your back
so shake him off, oh woah

busy day..

tied up a lot of loose ends today, including my costume for the london film and comic con. i originally planned to go as amy pond, but had a sudden change of heart. i'm won't say for now, except for one clue; she's one of spiderman's leading ladies. mary jane or gwen stacy?...

let her go, passenger
you only need the light when it's burning low
only miss the sun when it starts to snow
only know you love her when you let her go

wishes, superchick
you broke my heart
i'm taking it back from you
and taking back the life i gave to you
life goes on before and after you
i've got some growing up to do

oh jackman, the terrible terrible things i'd do to you..

dear darlin', olly murs
it was short, it was sweet
we tried

turn it off, paramore
i wanna know what it'd be like
to find perfection in my pride
to see nothing in the light
and turn it off in all my spite
i'll turn it off

bang the doldrums, fall out boy
best friends
ex friends til the end
better off as lovers
and not the other way around

that's a question.

i've been filling out a lot of job applications lately, just for summer work. i already have a job with my university, but i want something during the summer to keep me busy.

however, i was happily filling out applications, talking about my qualifications, hobbies, experience, references and so on. they're all good, i'm a good employee overall. but, one question asked me to describe myself. and i really struggled with it. sure, i have a rough idea of what i'm like. but how do i come off to others?

to me i'm confident, strong willed, decisive, realistic, creative, opinionated, persistant, headstrong. i also need to feel i know what is happening and when, i cannot just go through life with things unplanned. i feel these qualities make me a person which will stand up for themselves and for others, and not back down when threatened or when facing a challenge. i enjoy debating, and am not afraid to argue on something i truly believe is right. if i have a gut feeling on something, i will fight for it.

but recently, from interviewers, family, romantic interests, i've been told these are not good. i've been told i'm dominating, overbearing, stubborn, aggressive, impulsive. i've been told it's impossible to argue with me, or to avoid an argument with me. i've been told i can't let things go.

 is my personality destructive, or constructive? do i scare people away, or show them that i'm not a pushover? so, my question is, should i change? but will it be for myself, or for others?

c'mon life.

fucking bring it!

one more night, maroon 5
you and i go hard at each other
like we going to war
you and i go rough we keep throwing things
and slamming the door
you and i get so damn dysfunctional
we stopped keeping score
you and i get sick
yeah i know we can't do this no more

walk away, kelly clarkson
so before you point your finger
get your hands off of my trigger

the take over the break's over, fall out boy
baby, season's change but people don't
but i'll always be waiting in the back room
i'm boring but overcompensate
with headlines and flash flash flash photography

hm.

should i start a vlog?

me and my decisions.

recently, i've had to make a lot of decisions in my life. some to do with my career, my family, my friends, my love life, my education; basically, i've had to change a lot.

i've never been good with decisions, both in actually making them and how i do it. if i'm asked what i want to do, my usual response will be 'i don't mind' or 'whatever you want'. or, on the other hand, sometimes i make decisions so rashly, that they either end brilliantly or catastrophically. that said, that concept seems to apply to my personality as a whole. i'm one extreme or the other, there's no middle ground with me.

for example; university. i originally applied to universities, quite far from home, to study midwifery. i got interviews with all of my choices, including york, brighton and edinburgh, some of my favourite places in england. however, i panicked each time and my anxiety kicked in, something i struggle with, and as a result, fucked up all the interviews. i had no university place, no job, and therefore felt there was no direction in my life. so, as a snap decision, i applied to the university of greenwich to study criminology and criminal psychology. i'd never been to greenwich, nor looked into this subject as an area of study or as a career. but i did it anyway. and recently, just finished my first year there.

some people have asked me, 'why didn't you wait and reapply?' or 'do you actually want to study that?'. and honestly, i don't know. yeah, i like it there and yeah, the subject is interesting. i'm good at it. but when i'm asked what i want to do with my degree, i cannot give them an answer. because i don't know myself.

another good example would be my personality. i am a brilliant friend, i listen, i care with all i have, i'm good fun. in a relationship, i give it my all, i reveal a lot about myself. that includes sexually, i reveal my likes and dislikes, am open to experimenting, i trust who i'm with. but not lightly, the people that get my all, are rare to come by.

basically, i don't half arse anything. i either give somebody everything, or nothing at all. and strangely, i expect others to do that too. if i have an issue with someone, i don't just leave it, i feel it needs to be discussed until both parties feel satisfied. and that doesn't always gel with some people.

but i find myself questioning this. do i choose to do that? or is it something i naturally do? recently, that part of my personality was deemed responsible for pushing someone away. for constantly asking and pushing for answers. on my part, i don't apologise for that. it's who i am. i realised, it is natural, something i cannot control or change, even if i wanted to.

my snap decisions have gotten me to a lot of places; good and bad. and sometimes, i feel i regret them. but recently, i realised that this is me. i cannot and do not regret who i have been, who i am and who i will become.

i have trouble believing what people say nowadays.

catherine parr court, flat 22

well, that's it. i've finished my first year at university. i'm back home, with an amazing amount of stuff, both useful and shit.

all i can say was it was a turbulent year, right up to the very last day of exams. i've lost friendships along the way, most with people back home. which is sad, but i have made an abundant amount of new friends, with plenty more coming my way. some of these people i only met in the past few days, but i can tell that we have a lot in store!

in other news, i started my new job at the SU bar last night. it's just bar tending, but something i've never done before. and despite the business, messiness and sore feet, i really enjoyed it. it's nice to work somewhere where you already know everybody, both the other workers and the customers. plus, everybody is in a brilliant mood, whether they're pissed or not. i'm sure during freshers, when it'll be so so soooo busy, i'll want to give it in. but, i'm determined to stick this one out, i have no reason not to.

i have to admit, i did get a little tearful leaving my flatmates today. seeing our home, completely stripped bare of everything that made it 'us', was quite sobering. i'll miss them horribly over the summer, but i'm so excited to move into our new flat in september. i did get a bit upset seeing my room empty too. i've had so much happen to me in that place, good and bad. if those walls could talk, haha...

basically, this next year at uni is a fresh slate. new friends, new job, i'm newly single. i don't know how long the novelty will hang around for. but, considering what has been happening lately and how i've been feeling, i need these feelings of change, happiness and hopefulness. no one else is going to give them to me anymore, so, i'm going to go and get them myself. and so far, i've made a good start :)

confusion.

i still don't know whether to slap you or kiss you.

you brilliant, horrible, perfect, heart-breaking, funny, inexplicable, sweet, thoughtless, quirky, inconversable, clever, hurtful, inventive goodness knows what.

when life hands you lemons, throw them at someone. who the fuck needs lemons?

six degrees of separation, the script
first, you think the worst is a broken heart
what's gonna kill you is the second part
and the third, is when your world splits down the middle
and fourth, you're gonna think that you've fixed yourself
fifth, you see them out with someone else
and the sixth, is when when you admit you may have fucked  up a little

who knew, pink
i wish i could touch you again
i wish i could still call you friend
i'd give anything

hi, to whoever or whatever is reading this. be prepared for a bit of a ramble, some self pity and general complaining. at the moment, this is the only place i can talk freely without getting upset.

wow. i really didn't expect to feel this way. i just feel, sad?

i've had a couple of real rough day, and tonight, idk, everything just kinda hit me. i got a bit upset and i just felt the overwhelming need to get up and go have a cuddle with my dog, dee. and, stupidly, i looked over to where her bed used to be, and she wasn't there. idk why or how i forgot. i didn't realise how much i miss her. a lot of people will argue 'it's just an animal'. but no, to have the warmth and unconditional love from something, without the being able to question you or ask things you don't want to talk about, is something i can't replace.

as you can tell, i'm going through a really hard break up right now. to end it, was something that was definitely not an option for me. i really didn't expect it. for the past two weeks, i could tell something was going on. i knew that the relationship was stressful, brought on by myself, my ex and outside influences. i just didn't realise how serious it was. but yes, at first i was upset, angry, confused. i still am to some degree. tbh, i'm angry at myself for how i reacted. i always am, because that's what caused this. but tonight, i just don't really feel anything.

my family, close friends and my flat mates have all been supportive. but nothing they say or do, can really make it okay right now. if anything, i've started pushing them away, which isn't healthy. any advice, or anything they do, just feels a bit pointless. because it isn't what i want. of course, everyone has gone through break up. but right now, i just don't feel like anyone can understand.

yeah, i've had break ups before. to be fair, this is the first time that it hasn't been my choice. and it isn't nice. to know you've been in a relationship, where your other half has been feeling upset, stressed, unsatisfied or has just fallen out of love, hurts. it hurts to know that i couldn't make it okay anymore. and that, where my relationship was concerned, i had no say or control anymore. to have someone make that decision for you is, disorientating.

i'm constantly being asked

'how are you holding up?', 'how are you feeling?', 'are you okay?'

i've barely slept or eaten in three days. my reply?

a night in,

with 'the lads'; skywalker, solo, pilgrim, stark, odinson, jones, valjean, pontmercy, snow, holmes, watson, who, banner.

i want my best friend back. i don't care if it hurts. i want things back to how they were before all this happened.

*ding ding*

round 3, me versus night time. will insomnia hit once again?

so far, insomnia 2, me 0

when..

..someone breaks up with you, you go to your best friend. they come over at a moments notice, to hug you, tell you everything's gonna be okay, to say that things might change for the better. or even just to let you cry to them. but how can you do that when they're the same person?