Sunday, 30 December 2012
ever felt so bad that you look in the mirror and physically hate yourself?
i did what was best for me, something i hardly ever do. i did everything for you. i suffered in silence these past few months, to try and stay happy, to try and keep you happy. it worked for you. i can't do long distance. i can't not know what you're doing, how you're feeling. yeah, i stopped asking you. but that's because you never asked first. there's only so many times i can do that.
i've spent nights on my own at uni, sobbing, because i don't know you anymore. i'm ecstatic that you have new friends, doing something you love. i'm doing the same thing. but now, instead of a relationship, i've been treated like an old pair of slippers. comfortable, reliable, effortless.
but that's the thing, effortless. when you're in a relationship this long, yes, things get repetitive, comfortable, mundane. but not like this. i feel like i'm there to talk to when you feel like it, not when i want to talk. i feel like i'm there to be talked at, not to be asked how i am, how my friends are...
and the worst thing of all? you don't have any idea you're doing it. completely oblivious. it has taken this, me breaking up with you, to finally listen to me. i shouldn't have to do that! it's not fair on me.
my family, our friends, my friends at uni who haven't even spoken to you, notice there is something wrong with this relationship. and they're right. it's just taken time for me to see what they see.
i know you're hurting, and i'm sorry for causing the hurt. if i could've done anything to prevent it, i would've, but i tried and tried for so long, and you didn't even notice. i know i did this to you, that i'm the one who ruined your image of our relationship. but can't you see how this is hurting me too? how much it killed me to watch you break down in tears?
did you care how i hurt when you moved away? not even being told, but seeing through facebook or through our friends that you're on nights out, drinking, smoking weed, having a laugh. things you never would do with me and our friends back home. you insisted it was only once or twice, but that can't be true. even if it were, they have more nights out with you than i did. you only ever phoned me when you were drunk, high or both. and then had the cheek to criticise me when i did the same thing when i got to uni. along with a few other things, it was all double standards. okay for you to do, but i had to have permisson, limits or rules.
i made you a scrapbook for your 18th birthday, along with an ipod you haven't opened and a surprise party. i begged you to add to the scrapbook, to add your memories and thoughts about us. you didn't write a single word. until tonight, until i threatened you with the idea of breaking up. i shouldn't have to resort to that.
you should do things, listen to me, invite me round/out, do new things because YOU want to. because you WANT to ask me. not because i ask, nag, argue with you. i know a lot of these things have happened over a series of months, but i can't forget them. as they saw, the final straw that breaks the camel's back.
well, this is mine, breaking. please, stop making me feel so awful...
i did what was best for me, something i hardly ever do. i did everything for you. i suffered in silence these past few months, to try and stay happy, to try and keep you happy. it worked for you. i can't do long distance. i can't not know what you're doing, how you're feeling. yeah, i stopped asking you. but that's because you never asked first. there's only so many times i can do that.
i've spent nights on my own at uni, sobbing, because i don't know you anymore. i'm ecstatic that you have new friends, doing something you love. i'm doing the same thing. but now, instead of a relationship, i've been treated like an old pair of slippers. comfortable, reliable, effortless.
but that's the thing, effortless. when you're in a relationship this long, yes, things get repetitive, comfortable, mundane. but not like this. i feel like i'm there to talk to when you feel like it, not when i want to talk. i feel like i'm there to be talked at, not to be asked how i am, how my friends are...
and the worst thing of all? you don't have any idea you're doing it. completely oblivious. it has taken this, me breaking up with you, to finally listen to me. i shouldn't have to do that! it's not fair on me.
my family, our friends, my friends at uni who haven't even spoken to you, notice there is something wrong with this relationship. and they're right. it's just taken time for me to see what they see.
i know you're hurting, and i'm sorry for causing the hurt. if i could've done anything to prevent it, i would've, but i tried and tried for so long, and you didn't even notice. i know i did this to you, that i'm the one who ruined your image of our relationship. but can't you see how this is hurting me too? how much it killed me to watch you break down in tears?
did you care how i hurt when you moved away? not even being told, but seeing through facebook or through our friends that you're on nights out, drinking, smoking weed, having a laugh. things you never would do with me and our friends back home. you insisted it was only once or twice, but that can't be true. even if it were, they have more nights out with you than i did. you only ever phoned me when you were drunk, high or both. and then had the cheek to criticise me when i did the same thing when i got to uni. along with a few other things, it was all double standards. okay for you to do, but i had to have permisson, limits or rules.
i made you a scrapbook for your 18th birthday, along with an ipod you haven't opened and a surprise party. i begged you to add to the scrapbook, to add your memories and thoughts about us. you didn't write a single word. until tonight, until i threatened you with the idea of breaking up. i shouldn't have to resort to that.
you should do things, listen to me, invite me round/out, do new things because YOU want to. because you WANT to ask me. not because i ask, nag, argue with you. i know a lot of these things have happened over a series of months, but i can't forget them. as they saw, the final straw that breaks the camel's back.
well, this is mine, breaking. please, stop making me feel so awful...
Saturday, 29 December 2012
Friday, 28 December 2012
why!?
why, when i don't need to go anywhere, see anyone or venture out of my house, does my hair look AWESOME!?
it's gone all ruffled and messy, just generally yum.
but yet, when i have uni, a party or other social occasion, it looks like a 12 year old boy's?!
CRUEL CRUEL WORLD. first world problems, i know...
it's gone all ruffled and messy, just generally yum.
but yet, when i have uni, a party or other social occasion, it looks like a 12 year old boy's?!
CRUEL CRUEL WORLD. first world problems, i know...
safe and sound, taylor swift ft. the civil wars
don't you dare look out your window,
darlin' everything's on fire
ultraviolet, the stiff dylans
that fire you ignited
good, bad and undecided
burns when i stand beside it
your light is ultraviolet
little talks, of monsters and men
i don't like walking around the old and empty house
so hold my hand i'll walk with you my dear
liquid confidence, you me at six
we are an example of
why not to fall in love
bubbly, colbie callait
it starts in my toes
and i crinkle my nose
wherever it goes, i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time, wherever you go
christmas does bad things to good people...
being given chocolate as a christmas present?
that's just asking for trouble (and extra inches)...
that's just asking for trouble (and extra inches)...
have you ever noticed?
relationships in university accelerate so much faster than friends made at work or school. i don't know why.
maybe it's because we're mature adults (?) who have the life experiences to deal with social situations better. maybe it's because we're more confident in ourselves, letting our personalities shine through and attract others to us. maybe it's because we spend a lot of time together.
either way, in the past three/four months, the people i've met at greenwich have become my closest, maybe even my best friends already.
there's elliott. he has a few, let's say unorthodox, interests and tastes when it comes to "romance". let's leave it at that. but it makes him who he is, and provides the fodder for most of our jokes. he is a lovely guy none the less and so easy to talk to. he is honest, funny and is a brilliant person to take drinking! he can't handle his alcohol at all, which makes easy entertainment for the rest of us.
jess, although being the youngest (i think), is one of the most mature, level headed people i've ever met. both amongst our age and older. i admire her attitude towards life, she strives to make the best of herself, her friends and her education. she is blunt and tells is like it is, which a lot of people can't do. i love that about her, as you know where you stand and her opinion of you, making her one of the most honest people i know. i've made her sound quite boring, but she is such a laugh :)
dan, is so laid back he's horizontal. he has the most chilled out outlook on life, which i sort of envy. i panic when my coursework isn't done a few days before the deadline. he only starts to worry when there's minutes left! but he always pulls through and gets the job done. unlike a lot of people our age, he is constantly working, both to earn money and to train to become a policeman, as well as attending a full time university course. i admire him for that. overall, a lovely, hardworking, fun guy. and he's from essex too, whoop!
jenna, i didn't really know how to deal with her at first. some of the stuff she told us sounded like utter rubbish, or completely exaggerated. but, that's her personality, which i've come to love. she's a larger than life rock'n'roll party girl. i wonder how she gets work done sometimes, but she is always smiling about something, whether it's a gig she's been to or a night in with her boyfriend. from some of what she's told me, we have some very similar personal problems, which makes me understand her that much more. plus, it's nice to have someone to relate too :)
liam, i bloody love his accent! he's from the west country, so anything he says is hilarious! he was one of the first people i spoke to when i came to greenwich, we'd met previously on the open day. he's a lovely guy, he always has something to say, so conversation is never dull with him. you can always count on him for a laugh, even in a 9am lecture. he's had a bit of a tough time recently, what with living away from home and some girl trouble, so i hope this christmas break has cheered him up a bit :)
ben, this guy is my best friend. simple as. at the moment, we've been texting constantly for nearly a day. we never run out of things to talk or laugh about, it's like talking to someone i've known for years, not months. i can rely on him for anything. when most people would freak out and run away, he becomes more interested and supportive, something i've needed since i moved out. from some comments he's made and stuff he puts on his blog, he seriously underestimates himself, especially when it comes to girls. he's a sweet, caring, funny guy and any girl would be lucky to have him. although sometimes he's a complete twat and i bully him endlessly, i wouldn't change him for anything.
they'll probably never read this, but sometimes its nice to appreciate people in your own way.
maybe it's because we're mature adults (?) who have the life experiences to deal with social situations better. maybe it's because we're more confident in ourselves, letting our personalities shine through and attract others to us. maybe it's because we spend a lot of time together.
either way, in the past three/four months, the people i've met at greenwich have become my closest, maybe even my best friends already.
there's elliott. he has a few, let's say unorthodox, interests and tastes when it comes to "romance". let's leave it at that. but it makes him who he is, and provides the fodder for most of our jokes. he is a lovely guy none the less and so easy to talk to. he is honest, funny and is a brilliant person to take drinking! he can't handle his alcohol at all, which makes easy entertainment for the rest of us.
jess, although being the youngest (i think), is one of the most mature, level headed people i've ever met. both amongst our age and older. i admire her attitude towards life, she strives to make the best of herself, her friends and her education. she is blunt and tells is like it is, which a lot of people can't do. i love that about her, as you know where you stand and her opinion of you, making her one of the most honest people i know. i've made her sound quite boring, but she is such a laugh :)
dan, is so laid back he's horizontal. he has the most chilled out outlook on life, which i sort of envy. i panic when my coursework isn't done a few days before the deadline. he only starts to worry when there's minutes left! but he always pulls through and gets the job done. unlike a lot of people our age, he is constantly working, both to earn money and to train to become a policeman, as well as attending a full time university course. i admire him for that. overall, a lovely, hardworking, fun guy. and he's from essex too, whoop!
jenna, i didn't really know how to deal with her at first. some of the stuff she told us sounded like utter rubbish, or completely exaggerated. but, that's her personality, which i've come to love. she's a larger than life rock'n'roll party girl. i wonder how she gets work done sometimes, but she is always smiling about something, whether it's a gig she's been to or a night in with her boyfriend. from some of what she's told me, we have some very similar personal problems, which makes me understand her that much more. plus, it's nice to have someone to relate too :)
liam, i bloody love his accent! he's from the west country, so anything he says is hilarious! he was one of the first people i spoke to when i came to greenwich, we'd met previously on the open day. he's a lovely guy, he always has something to say, so conversation is never dull with him. you can always count on him for a laugh, even in a 9am lecture. he's had a bit of a tough time recently, what with living away from home and some girl trouble, so i hope this christmas break has cheered him up a bit :)
ben, this guy is my best friend. simple as. at the moment, we've been texting constantly for nearly a day. we never run out of things to talk or laugh about, it's like talking to someone i've known for years, not months. i can rely on him for anything. when most people would freak out and run away, he becomes more interested and supportive, something i've needed since i moved out. from some comments he's made and stuff he puts on his blog, he seriously underestimates himself, especially when it comes to girls. he's a sweet, caring, funny guy and any girl would be lucky to have him. although sometimes he's a complete twat and i bully him endlessly, i wouldn't change him for anything.
they'll probably never read this, but sometimes its nice to appreciate people in your own way.
merrily on high or auld lang syn?
it's that awkward bit between christmas and nye. what do people do at this time?
today,
just confirms what i said yesterday. romford is a god awful place to live, take me back to london!
Thursday, 27 December 2012
is it january yet?
i can't wait to get back to uni.
i miss having something to do everyday, i miss my friends.
don't get me wrong, i love being at home and spending time with my family.
i just fit in so much better in greenwich.
i miss having something to do everyday, i miss my friends.
don't get me wrong, i love being at home and spending time with my family.
i just fit in so much better in greenwich.
well..
so, it's the day after Boxing Day *whoop*
i don't have much to do, soooo i thought making a blog would be a clever use of time.
so far?
not that impressed.
i don't have much to do, soooo i thought making a blog would be a clever use of time.
so far?
not that impressed.
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