ever felt so bad that you look in the mirror and physically hate yourself?

i did what was best for me, something i hardly ever do. i did everything for you. i suffered in silence these past few months, to try and stay happy, to try and keep you happy. it worked for you. i can't do long distance. i can't not know what you're doing, how you're feeling. yeah, i stopped asking you. but that's because you never asked first. there's only so many times i can do that.

i've spent nights on my own at uni, sobbing, because i don't know you anymore. i'm ecstatic that you have new friends, doing something you love. i'm doing the same thing. but now, instead of a relationship, i've been treated like an old pair of slippers. comfortable, reliable, effortless.

but that's the thing, effortless. when you're in a relationship this long, yes, things get repetitive, comfortable, mundane. but not like this. i feel like i'm there to talk to when you feel like it, not when i want to talk. i feel like i'm there to be talked at, not to be asked how i am, how my friends are...

and the worst thing of all? you don't have any idea you're doing it. completely oblivious. it has taken this, me breaking up with you, to finally listen to me. i shouldn't have to do that! it's not fair on me.

my family, our friends, my friends at uni who haven't even spoken to you, notice there is something wrong with this relationship. and they're right. it's just taken time for me to see what they see.

i know you're hurting, and i'm sorry for causing the hurt. if i could've done anything to prevent it, i would've, but i tried and tried for so long, and you didn't even notice. i know i did this to you, that i'm the one who ruined your image of our relationship. but can't you see how this is hurting me too? how much it killed me to watch you break down in tears?

did you care how i hurt when you moved away? not even being told, but seeing through facebook or through our friends that you're on nights out, drinking, smoking weed, having a laugh. things you never would do with me and our friends back home. you insisted it was only once or twice, but that can't be true. even if it were, they have more nights out with you than i did. you only ever phoned me when you were drunk, high or both. and then had the cheek to criticise me when i did the same thing when i got to uni. along with a few other things, it was all double standards. okay for you to do, but i had to have permisson, limits or rules.

i made you a scrapbook for your 18th birthday, along with an ipod you haven't opened and a surprise party. i begged you to add to the scrapbook, to add your memories and thoughts about us. you didn't write a single word. until tonight, until i threatened you with the idea of breaking up. i shouldn't have to resort to that.

you should do things, listen to me, invite me round/out, do new things because YOU want to. because you WANT to ask me. not because i ask, nag, argue with you. i know a lot of these things have happened over a series of months, but i can't forget them. as they saw, the final straw that breaks the camel's back.

well, this is mine, breaking. please, stop making me feel so awful...