me and my decisions.

recently, i've had to make a lot of decisions in my life. some to do with my career, my family, my friends, my love life, my education; basically, i've had to change a lot.

i've never been good with decisions, both in actually making them and how i do it. if i'm asked what i want to do, my usual response will be 'i don't mind' or 'whatever you want'. or, on the other hand, sometimes i make decisions so rashly, that they either end brilliantly or catastrophically. that said, that concept seems to apply to my personality as a whole. i'm one extreme or the other, there's no middle ground with me.

for example; university. i originally applied to universities, quite far from home, to study midwifery. i got interviews with all of my choices, including york, brighton and edinburgh, some of my favourite places in england. however, i panicked each time and my anxiety kicked in, something i struggle with, and as a result, fucked up all the interviews. i had no university place, no job, and therefore felt there was no direction in my life. so, as a snap decision, i applied to the university of greenwich to study criminology and criminal psychology. i'd never been to greenwich, nor looked into this subject as an area of study or as a career. but i did it anyway. and recently, just finished my first year there.

some people have asked me, 'why didn't you wait and reapply?' or 'do you actually want to study that?'. and honestly, i don't know. yeah, i like it there and yeah, the subject is interesting. i'm good at it. but when i'm asked what i want to do with my degree, i cannot give them an answer. because i don't know myself.

another good example would be my personality. i am a brilliant friend, i listen, i care with all i have, i'm good fun. in a relationship, i give it my all, i reveal a lot about myself. that includes sexually, i reveal my likes and dislikes, am open to experimenting, i trust who i'm with. but not lightly, the people that get my all, are rare to come by.

basically, i don't half arse anything. i either give somebody everything, or nothing at all. and strangely, i expect others to do that too. if i have an issue with someone, i don't just leave it, i feel it needs to be discussed until both parties feel satisfied. and that doesn't always gel with some people.

but i find myself questioning this. do i choose to do that? or is it something i naturally do? recently, that part of my personality was deemed responsible for pushing someone away. for constantly asking and pushing for answers. on my part, i don't apologise for that. it's who i am. i realised, it is natural, something i cannot control or change, even if i wanted to.

my snap decisions have gotten me to a lot of places; good and bad. and sometimes, i feel i regret them. but recently, i realised that this is me. i cannot and do not regret who i have been, who i am and who i will become.