hi, to whoever or whatever is reading this. be prepared for a bit of a ramble, some self pity and general complaining. at the moment, this is the only place i can talk freely without getting upset.

wow. i really didn't expect to feel this way. i just feel, sad?

i've had a couple of real rough day, and tonight, idk, everything just kinda hit me. i got a bit upset and i just felt the overwhelming need to get up and go have a cuddle with my dog, dee. and, stupidly, i looked over to where her bed used to be, and she wasn't there. idk why or how i forgot. i didn't realise how much i miss her. a lot of people will argue 'it's just an animal'. but no, to have the warmth and unconditional love from something, without the being able to question you or ask things you don't want to talk about, is something i can't replace.

as you can tell, i'm going through a really hard break up right now. to end it, was something that was definitely not an option for me. i really didn't expect it. for the past two weeks, i could tell something was going on. i knew that the relationship was stressful, brought on by myself, my ex and outside influences. i just didn't realise how serious it was. but yes, at first i was upset, angry, confused. i still am to some degree. tbh, i'm angry at myself for how i reacted. i always am, because that's what caused this. but tonight, i just don't really feel anything.

my family, close friends and my flat mates have all been supportive. but nothing they say or do, can really make it okay right now. if anything, i've started pushing them away, which isn't healthy. any advice, or anything they do, just feels a bit pointless. because it isn't what i want. of course, everyone has gone through break up. but right now, i just don't feel like anyone can understand.

yeah, i've had break ups before. to be fair, this is the first time that it hasn't been my choice. and it isn't nice. to know you've been in a relationship, where your other half has been feeling upset, stressed, unsatisfied or has just fallen out of love, hurts. it hurts to know that i couldn't make it okay anymore. and that, where my relationship was concerned, i had no say or control anymore. to have someone make that decision for you is, disorientating.