broken hearts.

i've decided to do a post about heartbreak; not in a depressing 'forever alone' way, but just talking about them. i guess this was kinda fuelled by me watching '500 days of summer'; the only movie where i hate zooey deschenal.

broken hearts; whether being the one possessing the broken heart or being the one causing it, is unpleasant. the heartbroken, suffers rejection, confusion amongst other equally horrible emotions. the heart breaker tends to be a bit different. depending on the person, there tends to be two reactions...

option a) the nice guy
option b) the scumbag

option a; is the kind of person who tries to make it as painless as possible. they fully explain why they are ending the relationship, in an understanding, compassionate way. they understand that the heart broken will be upset, angry, confused but complies and accomodates to what they need. they still care and love that person on some degree; they don't want to hurt them.

option b; sadly, can often seem to be the majority. they care only about themselves, and getting out of said relationship as quickly and efficiently as they can. they are the ones who aren't understanding, lashing out at the heart broken for how they react. then, often, they disappear without a trace with no explanation. this kinda person also tends to be the one to break up with someone over text, facebook etc.

similarly, with the heart broken there also tends to be two reactions...

option a) the understanding
option b) the panicker

option a; often, sees the break up coming, and understands why. they tend to be agreeable with the heart breaker, seeing their side and understanding that the relationship should end. they don't get angry, shout or react negatively. yes, they may be upset or disappointed, but within reason. they're happy to rebuild said relationship into a friendship, if possible, steadily over time.

option b; is quite the opposite. they react impulsively, becoming angry and upset, showing it to their full potential. they argue and fight back, desperate to not only understand what went wrong, but how it can be fixed. at the time, they don't see break up as an option, only the opportunity to fix the relationship. they are persistent with this; requiring answers when and where they need them. this kinda of person is also more likely to hold a grudge against the heartbreaker for some time, avoiding them when possible.

and where does my history fit into this? unusually for my generation, i don't tend or like to have short term relationships. i feel if you are interested in someone, clearly, investing time and effort into a relationship is worth it. so, my experiences of breakups have tended to be, explosive? from what i can tell, i've been the heartbreaker twice and heartbroken once; so here's my account...

my first time experiencing it was with my first long term relationship, roughly 2 years, with a guy called nico. we'd been friends for sometime before starting a relationship, so we knew each other pretty well. we had a lot of common interests, morals, friends etc. however, as a lot of relationships do over time, for me, it just fizzled out. he had started to put less effort into the relationship; yet expected continuous effort from me. only being around 16/17 at the time; i knew this was something i didn't want to be stuck in. so, i took him aside one day and explained how i felt; it was really difficult. i clearly had upset him but we parted on good terms and understanding.

my second role as 'heart breaker' was at the start of this year; again with a relationship which lasted roughly two years with a guy called mat. a similar scenario as before, we were good friends before. but this was much more complicated, as this was my ex's best friend. a douchebag move on our parts; but it happened. so, obviously, my ex found out and wanted nothing more to do with me, which i completely understand. we both moved away for education; me to greenwich for university and mat to guildford for music college. being long distance, we began to drift apart. visiting each other became awkward and it was difficult to fit into each other's lives. additionally, i had begun to develop feelings for a guy at uni. i felt terrible for feeling this way, and took it as a sign that i truly needed to get away from my current relationship. so, again, i took him aside one night and explained my feelings. he was much more upset, begging to try again and not really listening to my reasoning why. we also split on good terms, agreeing to give each other space and eventually rebuild our initial friendship.

now, comes my first experience as the 'heart broken'. a much shorter relationship, only 4 months, with a guy at my university called ben. this was the guy i had begun to have feelings for as i mentioned earlier. we were incredibly close friends from the start of uni; again sharing many common interests, humour etc. he also learned a lot about my mental health problems; but understanding me, helping me and not making me feel like i was broken, as my exes had often done. we began our relationship, with many people already knowing it was going to happen. and for the most part, it was brilliant. we spent a lot of time together or talking when we weren't. unfortunately, at this time, my mental health had begun to take a turn for the worse. my problems sleeping were increasing and decreasing irrationally, making me aggressive and irritable. and, unbeknown to me at the time, was also developing signs of depression. understandably, my moods and personality were very up and down; causing me to be happy and sweet one minute, to argumentative and difficult next. this caused us to start arguing more often than not. ben, also understandably, became tired of this and decided to call time on this relationship.

unfortunately, based on our earlier relationship, i had fallen completely head over heels in love with him. i trusted him and felt he understood me, but loved me regardless. but my personality changes had made him feel differently. i reacted like 'option b'. as i can't help or control my emotions or personality well, i became desperately angry, upset and confused. i couldn't understand how i had changed his feelings; he knew of my problems before and i felt he had loved me enough to understand them. but, unfortunately yet somewhat understandably, he'd had enough.

and with that, he'd gone. i spent some weeks in a cycle of pure anger and hatred, to complete desperation and apologies to goodness knows what. despite my heart break, which is still somewhat present in ways, it opened my eyes to several things. one is that i needed help. yes, i couldn't control my mind, but i could help myself by talking to someone. the second is that, if i'm in a relationship, i need someone who loves me enough and is ready to undertake someone like me.

heart break is present in everyone's life. it's just one of those things. either let it beat you, or take advantage of it. i'm going to quote jay gatsby, from the novel 'the great gatsby'. he says...

'when you develop an infatuation for someone, you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you'

while this can often be true for many heart broken; it isn't always right. heart break hurts, but it's often necessary, although not always deserved. on both sides, try and use your best judgement. and most importantly, treat each other how you'd like to be treated.